thy grace in my sin

sinandgracequote.jpgTrue story: It’s been a hard week.

I would like to claim this statement on behalf of hard things and good things that take lots of time and energy. But that is not why I struggled with this week.

It’s been a hard week because my husband was sick. He had a bad cold. Everyday, he worked hard, came home, tried to help with kids and dishes, and then collapsed in bed.

It’s been a hard week because I fail greatly at being “wife of sick husband”.  I am not nice. I sorta leave him alone till he feels better. I might occasionally suggest to drink more water and that is the extent of my compassionate nursing skills.

It’s been a hard week because I know this. Not only am I not compassionate, I am annoyed. I don’t like seeing weakness. I don’t like it in myself, and I don’t like it in others.

It’s been a hard week because I have no power to change.

My landscape of this week had been a vast desert hemmed in with mountains of sin that seemed to grow taller with every eye roll. I was deep in a canyon of my own making where even my efforts of doing better and being nicer slammed me with shame and guilt of how stupid it was that I could not will myself to not be a jerk.  Infuriating.

There are more dimensions to this landscape where I was so focused on this heart struggle, I missed opportunities to love my kids, to give the benefit of doubt to friends, and ended up a puddle great sea of my own messy weakness after running out of steam.

Here I am in my sin, where is thy grace?

14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

 

Oh, there it is.

 

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